Back in high school, I wrote a short comedy sketch titled "Microsoft vs. Disney" just as a fun bored-in-class thing. In my Junior year, my English teacher gave us the option of writing a one act play for our term paper. Naturally, I decided to expand my sketch into an epic tale of Bill Gates and Walt Disney battling for world domination. It's corny, filled with dated (late 90's) humor and in-jokes, and doesn't conform to any known standard for formatting plays. After all these years I still like it though.
Character List (in order of appearance)
Sir Douglas – The hero of the story. He is always dressed as a medieval knight.
Man at Bar – Works for the IRS. Tries to arrest Sir Douglas when he finds out that Sir Douglas did not pay his taxes. Dressed in a suit.
Ghost (Father) – Comes to Sir Douglas while he is unconscious. Also approaches Sir Douglas after battle.
Narrator – Works for Bill Gates, then for Sir Douglas.
Bill Gates – Richest man in the world, head of Microsoft, goes to war with Walt Disney over who gets to take over the world. Always dressed to give the impression that he is God.
Tweedle-Dee – One of Bill Gates’ advisors.
Bob – Another of Bill Gates’ advisors.
Richard – A secret agent who infiltrates
Julius Caesar – Dressed in a toga. Works at Radio Shack.
Todd Savant – Military man. Works for Disney, but his only alliance is to Blizzard Entertainment.
Walt Disney – Not dead. Head of Disney, fights war with Bill Gates.
Guy – Telephone company advertisement.
Old Lady – Phillippi public relations.
Trio – Work for old lady.
David – In charge of death robots.
Another Man – mechanic of death robots.
Man dressed as Goofy – dressed as goofy, works for Disney.
One of the Disney kids – part of Disney’s army.
Scene 1: Outside, in a forest.
SIR DOUGLAS stands poised with his sword drawn, ready to strike. He tiptoes forward slowly, readying for action. Suddenly, a rabbit dashes out from in front of him and runs between his legs. He takes the sword and swings it when he sees the rabbit. He misses the rabbit by a large margin and gets his sword stuck in the ground. After some struggling, he pulls his sword up and chases after the rabbit. He strikes at the rabbit again, and this time gets his sword stuck on a tree. While he tries to pull the sword out, the rabbit comes up and bites his knee. SIR DOUGLAS hops on one foot in pain. While he is off balance, the rabbit jumps up and knocks him over, then runs away.
SIR DOUGLAS: (Lying on his back.) How am I supposed to defeat evil bad guys if I can’t even defeat my own dinner? (He stands up and brushes himself off.) Maybe I’m not cut out for this line of work. Maybe I should retire from the hero business, and become a postal worker like my dad always wanted me to be. Maybe… What am I talking about, I’m Sir Douglas the mighty! (He struggles briefly to pull the sword from the tree, and is successful after a few seconds of effort.) I don’t need rabbit. I’ll just have to settle for steak in town again. (Heads off toward the town.)
Scene 2: A bar in town
There are many people sitting around either talking or eating. SIR DOUGLAS is sitting at the bar, talking to someone in a suit next to him.
SIR DOUGLAS: (Laughs drunkenly while talking.) So then I says to the guy, what do you mean you don’t pay your taxes? I don’t pay my taxes either!
MAN AT BAR: Well,
SIR DOUGLAS: (Standing to confront the man.) Hey, you call me Sir Douglas. Especially when I’m drunk. You never know when trouble will come, and my enemies will need to know who I am.
MAN AT BAR: Fine, Sir Douglas…
SIR DOUGLAS: (Demeanor changes from confrontational to wonderment.) Where? I always wanted to meet him.
MAN AT BAR: You are Sir Douglas.
SIR DOUGLAS: Hey, that’s Sir Douglas the mighty to you!
MAN AT BAR: Well I have bad new for you. (He takes out a badge and a gun.) I’m with the IRS. I’m afraid I’ll have to arrest you now.
SIR DOUGLAS: Oh shit. (He gets up and begins to run away, then turns around and grabs his unfinished beer and drinks the rest. He then runs away again, and hits his head on the door entrance. The MAN AT BAR continues to sit there. SIR DOUGLAS slips into unconsciousness.)
Everything turns black as SIR DOUGLAS lays on his back. A GHOST figure walks onto the stage. Only SIR DOUGLAS and the GHOST are illuminated.
GHOST:
GHOST:
GHOST:
GHOST: Yes. I have come back from the netherworld to give you a mission. You must avenge my murder.
GHOST: Yes, well, I am a vision from the future. Your father will be murdered. You must avenge him.
GHOST: No! Now listen to me, you sorry excuse for a son. A great power struggle is arising. Giants of industry are preparing for a conflict like none the world has ever seen…
GHOST: Let me finish! The giants I speak of are Bill Gates and Walt Disney.
GHOST: That’s what they want you to think. In reality, he has been running the Disney corporation behind the scenes all this time, preparing for global domination!
GHOST: Because your father will be killed in the war! Now, I must go, for you are waking up.
The GHOST walks off stage.
The lights come on, the MAN AT BAR is standing over
MAN AT BAR: Good you’re awake. Now I can arrest you. Tax evasion is a serious crime, you know.
Scene 3: BILL GATES’ Throne room
NARRATOR: When we last saw Bill Gates, he was fighting off a mildly upset mob that was angry at him for not getting the bugs out of his latest software. Since that time, Bill Gates has defeated the mob and re-secured his monopoly over the computer industry and the world. Things were looking good for Bill Gates, until now…
Curtain opens, children are playing on a suburban street.
NARRATOR: Our story opens in the small, innocent looking town of Smallsville
BILL GATES: (He is standing on top of his throne. He is wearing clothes that make him seem Godly. He also has a bad haircut.) Let there be light!
A coffee maker next to him turns on and produces a cup of coffee.
BILL GATES: Damn this voice recognition software! Will someone flip the light switch? (A light comes on, illuminating Tweedle-Dee and Bob. BILL GATES screams at the sudden appearance of the two.) It’s about time.
TWEEDLE-DEE: Yes, um, well, we have bad news.
BILL GATES: What kind of bad news?
BOB: The worst kind, sir.
BILL GATES: Well, give it to me, Tweedle-Dee.
BOB: Why him? I can give the news just as well, maybe even better.
BILL GATES: Because, Bob, I happened to be looking at him.
BOB: Oh, well, that makes sense then, doesn’t it?
BILL GATES: Continue.
TWEEDLE-DEE: Apparently he has a head start on you in the race for global domination.
BILL GATES: How so?
TWEEDLE-DEE: Well, he has bases set up all over the world. They are in Europe, Asia, and two in the
BILL GATES: How did I miss this!
TWEEDLE-DEE: Apparently he formed them under the guise of being theme parks.
BILL GATES: (Speaking to himself.) Disney World. I knew that Disney had more up his sleeve with that place than simple amusement. I should have realized what was going on when I saw the ride “It’s a Small World.” I will need more reconnaissance information. (Addressing TWEEDLE-DEE and BOB.) That is all I need to hear. Go now, and get me the best industrial spy in the world.
TWEEDLE-DEE and BOB exit. RICHARD enters a few moments later. He goes up to BILL GATES and RICHARD salutes him. BILL GATES signals for RICHARD to speak.
RICHARD: The name is Bond, Richard Bond, bearing no resemblance or relationship to the more famous James.
BILL GATES: I am having a small problem with Walt Disney. I cannot crush this company the way I crush other companies. I need to know, can you infiltrate Disney World for me?
RICHARD: Land.
BILL GATES: What?
RICHARD: You said Disney World. It’s
BILL GATES: Whatever. Can you do it?
RICHARD: Yes, I will go right away.
BILL GATES: You do that. And don’t come back until you have information on Disney World that I can use.
RICHARD:
BILL: Whatever!
RICHARD quickly departs. BILL GATES sits down in his throne and begins reading the newspaper.
NARRATOR: A few minutes later Richard Bond came back.
RICHARD comes back, BILL GATES does not see him.
BILL GATES: (Putting down newspaper.) Who said that?
NARRATOR: ‘Twas I, the narrator!
BILL GATES: Why is there a narrator all of the sudden?
NARRATOR: It is not all of the sudden. I gave a very long opening speech introducing this scene. My presence here is justified. You are the richest character in the play, therefore you need a narrator.
BILL GATES: (Gets up and begins pacing.) Are you sure? How do I know that you are not something sent by Disney to spy on me?
NARRATOR: Bill Gates, worried about this sudden turn of events, begins pacing around the room.
BILL GATES: Stop that!
NARRATOR: Bill Gates, in anger at the sudden presence of the narrator, does not see Richard Bond and walks into him.
BILL GATES walks into RICHARD and BILL GATES screams.
RICHARD: (Brushing himself off from the collision.) I’ve been standing here for quite a long time now. Do you want the report or not?
BILL GATES: That was awfully quick.
RICHARD: I told them that you sent me, and they gave me a pass that let me cut everyone in the lines. I love
BILL GATES: Just give me the report. I’m sorry I asked.
RICHARD: I know how they are doing it. They are raising an army by kidnapping kids that go to the customer service desk.
BILL: What?
RICHARD: Think about it. Do you know anyone that’s gone to the customer service desk at
BILL: I see. Go on.
RICHARD: They then ask a series of questions that only a kid could know, so no adults can expose them. I almost got in, but I bombed on the last one.
BILL: What was the question?
RICHARD: They wanted to know which Teletubby was the gay one.
BILL: It’s the purple one. How could you not know that?
RICHARD: Well, I always thought the purple one was kind of cute.
BILL GATES: Get out of my sight, and don’t come back. And tell my secretary to get me a tape of the Teletubbies.
RICHARD BOND leaves.
Scene 4: Radio Shack
SIR DOUGLAS is watching one of the television sets, laughing.
SIR DOUGLAS: That purple teletubby. How can anyone not love that guy?
JULIUS CAESAR: (Approaching Sir Douglas. He is dressed in a toga, but has a nametag) can I help you sir?
SIR DOUGLAS: Actually, you might be able to. I’m trying to stop a war between the industrial giants Bill Gates and Walt Disney. Do you have any suggestions?
JULIUS CAESAR: Hmm… That is a tough one.
SIR DOUGLAS: I know, It’s killing me.
JULIUS CAESAR: Well, have you tried a psychic hotline?
SIR DOUGLAS: No, I haven’t.
JULIUS CAESAR: Try that. They saved my life one time, and it was even for free. This Soothsayer told me to beware the ides of March, and I did. It turns out there was a plot to assassinate me that day.
SIR DOUGLAS: Wait a minute, you’re Julius Caesar, aren’t you?
JULIUS CAESAR: Yes, I am. How did you know –
SIR DOUGLAS: Wait, I thought that you were killed on March fifteenth. Anyway, that was two thousand years ago. How did you survive?
JULIUS CAESAR: (Deep in thought.) I really don’t think I know how to answer that.
SIR DOUGLAS: Don’t worry about it. Stranger things have happened. Especially to me. And especially in the last twenty-four hours. (He pauses for a moment in thought.) Anyway, thanks for the advice.
JULIUS CAESAR: Don’t mention it.
The two people depart.
Scene 5: A conference room in Disney Land
Several people sit around a table. They are dressed as various Disney characters. Walt Disney is dressed as Mickey Mouse and sits at the head of the table. Todd Savant walks in.
TODD SAVANT: (Stops in shock.) Why are you dressed as that damned mouse?
WALT DISNEY: Respect the mouse! (TODD SAVANT jumps slightly at this remark.) Besides, my decision to dress as a mouse in no way affects my ability to perform this operation.
TODD SAVANT: I’m sorry, that’s just a little weird for me. First I find out that Walt Disney isn’t dead, then I see him dressed as Mickey.
WALT DISNEY: Speaking of which, you must put on the proper attire (He gives TODD SAVANT a Minnie Mouse costume)
TODD SAVANT: You’re not serious…
WALT DISNEY: Put it on, or shall I consider you disloyal?
TODD SAVANT quickly puts the costume on.
WALT DISNEY: Good. You look hot in that. (TODD SAVANT shudders.) Report.
TODD SAVANT: We have attained over a million annoying little kids from the customer service desk. They have all been trained as professional killing machines, as you requested. We can attack the Microsoft corporation at any time.
WALT DISNEY: Good. (Laughing.) Today we shall see the end of Microsoft. Tomorrow computer companies everywhere shall bow to the might of Disney!
TODD SAVANT: Sir, I understood that you would be sparing Blizzard Entertainment in exchange for my service.
WALT DISNEY: (Reluctantly.) Of course young Todd. I did promise that.
TODD SAVANT: Because Blizzard Entertainment has produced quality games, such as…
WALT DISNEY: No one cares, young Todd.
TODD SAVANT: Just remember, the eagle flies at midnight.
WALT DISNEY: What? That doesn’t make any sense.
TODD SAVANT: It’s not supposed to. (He walks off stage.)
WALT DISNEY: Goofy. Prepare my shuttle for tomorrow night.
MAN DRESSED AS GOOFY: Why Walt? What are we going to do tomorrow night?
WALT DISNEY: The same thing we do every night, Goofy. Try to take over the world!
Scene 6: BILL GATES’ bedroom
It is night. BILL GATES is asleep in bed, snoring loudly. Walt Disney walks on stage.
WALT DISNEY: Bill Gates…
BILL GATES: (In sleep.) No, Blizzard Entertainment, I crush you!
WALT DISNEY: Bill Gates…
BILL GATES: (In sleep.) I know there are lots of bugs in the software. I like bugs.
WALT DISNEY: Wake up already!
BILL GATES: (Waking up.) Wha… Morning already…?
WALT DISNEY: No, it is I, the ghost of Walt Disney…
BILL GATES: Wait a minute, I thought we had just spent most of the play establishing that Walt Disney was in fact alive.
WALT DISNEY: Oh, yes, shoot, that is bad. I really didn’t plan this out very well, did I? Um, well, if I were dead, this is what I would be like.
BILL GATES: Really? I always thought you would be taller as a ghost.
WALT DISNEY: Why do you say that?
BILL GATES: Oh, I don’t know, it’s just a…
WALT DISNEY: Stop it! You’re distracting me. I came here with a very specific thing that I wanted to tell you.
BILL GATES: Which is?
WALT DISNEY: I don’t know, you made me forget now.
BILL GATES: Well, I was sleeping. Can I get back to it, and you can tell me tomorrow?
WALT DISNEY: No, wait, I remember now. Bill Gates, I shall see thee at Phillippi.
BILL GATES:
WALT DISNEY:
BILL GATES: Why?
WALT DISNEY: If I told you, then I’d have to kill you. (Looks around for an excuse to leave.) I have to go now.
BILL GATES: But wait! Why will I see you at Phillippi? What does this all mean?
Walt Disney makes a quick exit.
NARRATOR: and so Bill Gates was left to ponder the experience he just had. Was it some clever trick pulled by Disney, or was it more than…
BILL GATES: That’s it, I’ve had it with you! (He pulls out a revolver from under his pillow and starts shooting into the air.)
NARRATOR: That’s it, I’m out of here. I don’t need to be dealing with this. My god, I’m just doing my job. (The sound of footsteps walking off into the distance.)
Scene 7: On a street somewhere
SIR DOUGLAS is standing around depressed. He is attempting to use his sword to get his change returned from a payphone he tried to use. After a few seconds effort, he gives up. Todd Savant is hiding in an ally, waiting for an opportunity to approach Sir Douglas.
SIR DOUGLAS: Well, so much for the Psychic Friend’s network. They actually expect me to pay them money, and I can’t even call my dad to have him send me some!
A mysteriously happy guy comes walking onto the stage.
GUY: Wait, you don’t need change to make a call. You can call collect. It’s the cheapest if you use 1-800 – (A few gunshots ring out from nowhere. The guy falls over dead. An unseen crowd cheers.)
SIR DOUGLAS: (Falling to his knees to look at the dead guy.) No! Why are you cheering? He may have been an annoying telephone company advertisement, but I needed him! I needed him god damn it! What do I have to dial for a cheap collect call? What, I need to know! Oh strange guy I just met on the street, I hardly knew you. Was thou advertising 1-800-COLLECT, or was thou advertising 1-800-CALL-ATT? (Stands up) Well, it looks as if I will never know. I suppose I could guess, but if I were wrong, could I live with the guilt? To call or not to call: that is the question!
TODD SAVANT: Psst!
SIR
TODD SAVANT: (Whispers.) Over here!
SIR DOUGLAS: (Swings sword around in an intimidating manner.) Come out where I can see you so that I may strike you down!
TODD SAVANT: No, you blithering idiot! I’m not your enemy. I am here to bring you vital information.
SIR DOUGLAS: How vital is this information?
TODD SAVANT: Trust me. You need to know this information.
SIR DOUGLAS: How do I know that I need to know?
TODD SAVANT: Will you just let me tell you what it is!
SIR DOUGLAS: Very well.
SIR DOUGLAS puts his sword down. Todd Savant steps out from the shadows.
TODD SAVANT: You wish to stop the impending war between Gates and Disney, do you not?
SIR DOUGLAS: Well, I guess so. The ghost of my father came to tell me to stop it or else he would die.
TODD SAVANT: What?
SIR DOUGLAS: It doesn’t make much sense to me either. Go on.
TODD SAVANT: There is something rotten in the state of
SIR DOUGLAS: How can I know that I can trust you? Why are you doing this?
TODD SAVANT: You have only my word. I once loyally followed Disney, but since then I have come to realize that our interests are no longer the same. He once promised to save Blizzard Entertainment from Microsoft before Bill Gates took over the whole computer industry, but now I no longer believe Disney intends to do so. Long ago, I had taken a sacred oath to protect Blizzard Entertainment at all costs, buy all of their computer games, and play those games whenever possible. Therefore, my interests now lie with you, who seeks to bring down both giants.
SIR DOUGLAS: But I have been unsuccessful so far, what makes you think I will be able to stop them tomorrow?
TODD SAVANT: I have control of Disney’s army. I can defeat Gates initially with your help, then turn the army on itself, and bring Disney down. Blizzard Entertainment will then be free to do business.
SIR DOUGLAS: How?
TODD SAVANT: Gates is a smart one. He made sure that his death robots were not running on Microsoft software. It is your job to switch the software by tomorrow. The new version of Windows should suffice. There is no way he can win with Microsoft software.
SIR DOUGLAS: Ingenious. Very well. I will try. However, are you sure it’s the only way? Waiting until the last minute like this doesn’t leave much of a margin for error.
Todd savant mysteriously disappears when SIR DOUGLAS turns his head. Sir Douglas looks around for him briefly, then gives up.
NARRATOR: Now Sir Douglas is faced with many difficult questions. Who is this stranger that has so suddenly decided to aid him in his quest? Is he trustworthy? Can the plan succeed, or will the world be doomed tomorrow at Phillippi? Most importantly –
SIR DOUGLAS: (Interrupting.) Excuse me.
NARRATOR: (Annoyed.) What is it?
SIR DOUGLAS: Who are you?
NARRATOR: Look, Bill Gates just fired me, and I really need the job. I’m going to be your narrator from now on.
SIR DOUGLAS: (Thinks for a while.) Okay, sounds good to me.
SIR DOUGLAS walks off.
NARRATOR: Sir Douglas walks off, wondering about the task before him, for the fate of world now lies in his hands…
SIR DOUGLAS: I think I’m going to like this.
Scene 8: Phillippi , Minnesota
A mist slowly swirls around everything. Gravestones and dead trees dot the area. In back a sign reads “Welcome to
BILL GATES: What a strange place this is. I wonder why Walt Disney would have me come here. I don’t think I could even get an internet connection here.
An old lady rises from the ground. She is dressed as a witch.
OLD LADY: I wonder indeed. Internet won’t arrive here for twenty years, because we all use Macintoshes in Phillippi!
BILL GATES screams in surprise at her comment.
BILL GATES: God no! Macintoshes? What are you, insane?
OLD LADY: Possibly.
BILL GATES: Who are you? What are you doing here?
OLD LADY: The name is Afagarastalak. You can call me Babs. I’m a resident of Phillippi.
BILL GATES: What do you want?
OLD LADY: To tell you this.
She disappears again. BILL GATES looks around for a few moments. The old lady rises from the ground again with three others. The TRIO stand around a cauldron.
TRIO: Double, double, toil, and trouble. It’s a great weekend stop when the cauldron bubbles. Welcome to Phillippi, vacationers paradise!
BILL GATES: Oh, thank you, I think.
OLD LADY: But wait, there’s more.
BILL GATES: More, you say?
OLD LADY: Yes, it is very nice.
BILL GATES: Go on then.
TRIO: Disney comes here, then Gates follows. War shall be fought, and all will be destroyed!
BILL GATES: Hey, that doesn’t rhyme!
OLD LADY: What fools these mortals be. What do you expect? It took the mayor thirty years to come up with that other rhyme, and that is just a clever marketing phrase. We aren’t poets, you know.
BILL GATES: Oh.
Lightning flashes, and the TRIO is gone, leaving BILL GATES alone.
BILL GATES: Well, if they say a war will be fought here, then so be it. (He takes out a cell phone.) Hello, operator? I’d like to place a collect call. (Pauses.) No, I don’t want to use one of the cheaper services offered by either AT&T or MCI. (Pauses.) Thank you. (Pauses.) Hello, David? (Pauses.) Well, do you think I got to be the richest guy in the world by paying for my own phone calls? (Pauses.) I need you to prepare the death robots. (Pauses.) send them to Phillippi. The end is near.
Scene 9: Death Robot warehouse
It is the warehouse where BILL GATES’ death robots are kept. DAVID is speaking with another man as SIR DOUGLAS approaches them.
DAVID: Um, no, I don’t think he needs them in Disco mode again. He’s going to fight a war this time, you know.
ANOTHER MAN: Okay, so he definitely wants them in death mode?
DAVID: Yeah.
ANOTHER MAN: Alright, (He goes and begins working on a computer terminal attached to the robots.)
DAVID: (Addressing SIR DOUGLAS.) What do you want?
SIR DOUGLAS: Oh, um, yes. I’m here to prevent Bill Gates from defeating Disney in this war, by making sure that the death robots are running Microsoft software. The new version of Windows, preferably.
DAVID: Do you have clearance?
NARRATOR: This sudden dilemma forces Sir Douglas to think quickly, something he is not used to doing.
SIR DOUGLAS: (Looks around, becomes panicky.) Um… yes… yes I do.
DAVID: All right, just let me check that.
David taps away at his computer, then looks curiously at it.
DAVID: That’s funny, it’s not there.
SIR DOUGLAS: Is it running Microsoft software?
DAVID: Yeah, Windows. (Thinks about it for a moment.) I see your point.
SIR DOUGLAS: Can I do it anyway?
DAVID: Hold on a second. (Turns to speak to OTHER GUY.) Hey, wasn’t it Disney that the boss was planning on fighting?
OTHER GUY: I think so. It was Disney or Blizzard Entertainment or something like that.
DAVID: Thanks. (Turns back to SIR DOUGLAS.) Did you say it was Disney you were trying to help?
SIR DOUGLAS: Yes I did.
DAVID: Um, I better not let you do that then. I could get fired. Can you come back later, when I’ve had a chance to talk with Gates himself?
SIR DOUGLAS: No, no, don’t do that. (He panics slightly.) Oh the hell with it.
NARRATOR:
SIR DOUGLAS draws his sword and begins swinging wildly. In the chaos, both David and the other guy are knocked unconscious. He then goes to the robot the other guy had been working at.
SIR DOUGLAS: Now, I just transfer the software, and send them off to Phillippi. My father’s death shall be avenged, if I don’t stop it first.
Scene 10: Overlooking the Phillippi battlefield
Walt Disney is looking out over the horizon. Todd Savant is standing behind him, nervously. A MAN DRESSED AS GOOFY is also there, but he appears oblivious to everything.
WALT DISNEY: There are the robots. It is almost time.
TODD SAVANT: Time for what, sir?
WALT DISNEY: Time for the software giant to know the wrath of Disney. The computer industry shall fall today. Companies everywhere will scream for mercy. Microsoft, Blizzard Entertainment…
TODD SAVANT: Excuse me, sir?
WALT DISNEY: Oh, I forgot who I was talking to. Forget that I said anything.
TODD SAVANT: Sir, you promised you would not hurt Blizzard Entertainment.
WALT DISNEY: And I shall honor that promise, young Todd.
TODD SAVANT: You had better.
WALT DISNEY falls over in pain and lets out a gasp.
TODD SAVANT: Sir! What’s wrong!
WALT DISNEY: I sense a great disturbance in the area. (Struggles to stand up again with TODD SAVANT helping him.) Something is not right.
TODD SAVANT: (Confused and panics a little.) A disturbance? What’s not right?
WALT DISNEY: There he is!
TODD SAVANT: Who?
WALT DISNEY: Him! That man in the armor with the sword! The one who just nearly stabbed himself!
TODD SAVANT: Sir Douglas the Mighty? What about him?
WALT DISNEY: His style, his demeanor, he is the one for sure. He is the one who will control the outcome.
MAN DRESSED AS Goofy suddenly gets up, acknowledging the events around him. TODD SAVANT and WALT DISNEY are shocked.
MAN DRESSED AS GOOFY: You refer to the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to this war. You believe it is this… clutz?
WALT DISNEY: Yes!
TODD SAVANT: But he is with Bill Gates. Look, he is talking to one of the death robots now.
WALT DISNEY: I see your point. Very well, prepare the annoying little kids. He is now our main target.
TODD SAVANT: Wouldn’t it make more sense to go after Bill Gates? After all, he is who you’re fighting against.
WALT DISNEY: That does make sense. Very well, I will ignore this Sir Douglas the mighty person for now.
TODD SAVANT: Aye sir.
Todd Savant leaves.
Scene 11: The battlefield
BILL GATES and SIR DOUGLAS are on one side of the battlefield with BILL GATES’ death robots, Walt Disney is on the other with TODD SAVANT and his army of children.
BILL GATES: So Disney, it has come to this.
WALT DISNEY: So it has.
Todd Savant discreetly nods at SIR DOUGLAS. SIR DOUGLAS winks in return.
BILL GATES: In the interests of fair play, I offer you one more opportunity to stand down, and let me take my seat as the rightful ruler of the world. Even if you get passed my robots, you will never defeat Sir Douglas the Mighty, who has unofficially joined my ranks by bringing the robots here.
SIR DOUGLAS smiles nervously. BILL GATES and WALT DISNEY are drowned out by the narrator as they continue to bicker.
NARRATOR: While Sir Douglas listens to Bill Gates and Walt Disney argue, he becomes extremely bored.
SIR DOUGLAS: (Yawns loudly.) Will you shut up and fight already!
WALT DISNEY: Todd! Have the children attack!
TODD SAVANT: Children! Take them out!
BILL GATES: Robots! Prepare your death rays.
The children charge the robots. The robots begin a variety of wild maneuvers, such as Disco dancing, river dancing, acting out scenes from Titanic, and a variety of other out of place things. Not one of them fires a death ray. They are quickly overwhelmed by the parading children.
WALT DISNEY: Ha, Microsoft is mine! Blizzard Entertainment is mine! I shall destroy them both!
TODD SAVANT: Not on your life!
BILL GATES: (Crawling to a fallen robot.) What could have gone wrong?
WALT DISNEY: Todd, your service with me has ended. You are no longer useful to me.
TODD SAVANT: I only asked that you spare Blizzard Entertainment.
BILL GATES: I see the problem. Someone replaced my good software with shoddy software that my company made. Curse them, curse them.
WALT DISNEY: I never had the slightest intention of keeping that promise.
SIR DOUGLAS: Gates! Disney! Todd! It’s over! Let it go.
BILL GATES: There! I replaced the software! Now, how can I bring these robots back from the dead?
WALT DISNEY: It’s not over yet.
Walt Disney runs to push BILL Gates out of the way, and grabs the robot controls. A short second later, and the robot raises its arm, firing its death ray at Todd SAVANT. Todd SAVANT is thrown backwards, dead before he even hit the ground.
ONE OF THE DISNEY KIDS: Oh my God, you killed Todd! You bastard!
They charge WALT Disney, and a few moments later WALT Disney is dead on the ground. The army of Disney kids all leave. BILL GATES stands up.
BILL GATES: Well, well, it looks as if I am the winner after all.
SIR DOUGLAS: Never.
SIR DOUGLAS takes his sword and thrusts it into Bill Gates.
BILL GATES: (dying) Et tu,
SIR DOUGLAS pulls back his sword and looks around the area.
SIR DOUGLAS: The death, the destruction, I hope it is all worth it. I did this to defend you, my father. I hope your death has been averted.
His father walks onto the field.
NARRATOR: Suddenly, out of the swirling mists that constantly surround Phillippi, a lone figure approaches
FATHER:
SIR DOUGLAS: I have avenged the death of my father, for he came to me as a ghost and told me that he would have died in this war had I not stopped it.
FATHER: Has anyone ever told you what happened to your father?
SIR DOUGLAS: He’s in
FATHER: No. I am your father.
SIR DOUGLAS: Now that you mention it, you do sort of look like him.
FATHER: Of I course look like him! I am him!
SIR DOUGLAS: So you made me do this?
FATHER: No, you fool. Whatever made you think you saw a vision of me? Look what you did. There’s going to be hell to pay for this. Think about what’s going to happen to your insurance rates.
SIR DOUGLAS: But, I was drunk, then I hit my head running from the IRS, and I saw you…
FATHER: It must have been the booze.
SIR DOUGLAS: Now that I think of it, that does make sense.
FATHER: You are a failure son. You should have been a postal worker.
Silence follows as the father walks off the stage, leaving SIR DOUGLAS to ponder the events that just took place alone.
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