My senior year of High School, several friends of mine were looking to get into movie making. Looking for a script to film, "Bash of the Titans" immediately came to mind. Unfortunately, we determined that several of the scenes would be difficult to film on a budget of zero, so I wrote a sequel that would be more filmable with just a camcorder and no money. We never did wind up filming it, but the resulting screenplay is still fun in the tradition of the original (chock full of in-jokes, corny and dated humor), and I'm happy to present the script here.
(Opening Credits to be designed)
[rollup]
When we last left Sir Douglas the Mighty, he had just vanquished Bill Gates and Walt Disney, both of whom were trying to take over the world. Since that time, Bill Gates has (somehow) come back to life, but now the government is after him, so Sir Douglas does not care about that.
What Sir Douglas does care about, however, is the IRS. They have recently discovered his years of tax evasion, and, despite the fact that he saved the world, they are pursuing Sir Douglas without relent. Our hero has run for a great while now, afraid to face this seemingly unstoppable foe. Then one day he got caught. Now he must face his ultimate destiny…
[end rollup]
Scene 1
INT. House, living room
Phone rings. After second ring, a stereotypical horror movie teenage girl picks up the phone.
DREW: Hello?
VOICE ON PHONE: Hello.
DREW: Who is this?
DREW: You first.
DREW: I was just about to leave for a scary movie.
VOICE ON PHONE: Really? Do you like scary movies?
DREW: Yeah, I guess.
DREW: Saturday Night Fever.
VOICE ON PHONE: That is a scary one. Do you spend a lot of time watching scary movies?
DREW: Yeah, I guess.
DREW: Well, I kind of lie to the IRS once in a while… Hey, you still haven’t told me your name.
DREW: It’s Drew. Why did you want to know my name so bad?
VOICE ON PHONE: Because I want to know who I’m auditing.
A blood curdling scream rips through the air. Moments later groups of men in black suits storm into the living room and drag the girl away.
Scene 2
INT: IRS headquarters
The camera follows two men dressed like agents from The Matrix as they walk into a questioning room.
TIM: What was his name again?
Bob looks down at his clipboard. The camera focuses on a name that reads The Mighty, Sir Douglas. The camera then continues to follow them into the room.
BOB: Sir Douglas the Mighty.
TIM: What’s he in for?
BOB: Strongly suspected of tax evasion.
TIM: How strongly?
BOB: He supposedly confessed to one of our agents right around the same time Bill Gates and Disney had that small war. We haven’t been able to get him to open his mouth since then, though.
TIM: I see. I’ll get him to crack.
BOB: You always do, Tim.
They enter the room. Sir Douglas is sitting. A light saber is on the table.
TIM: Well, Sir Douglas, why don’t you make this easy and just tell us the whole story now.
SIR DOUGLAS: Well, I suppose it all started the day that my father sat me on his knee and said “son, one day you’re going to be a great postal worker. I’ll be proud of you then.” That day changed my life forever…
BOB: Not that story you dimwit! No one cares about your pathetic life story! Tell us about how you didn’t pay your damn taxes!
Sir Douglas looks indignant.
SIR DOUGLAS: I always pay my taxes.
TIM: I don’t think so.
SIR DOUGLAS: Are you accusing me of something?
TIM: What if I am?
SIR DOUGLAS: I refuse to say any more without my lawyer present.
BOB: I can see this is getting us nowhere. (glances at the light saber.) That’s a nice light saber you have there. (Sir Douglas glares defiantly) I wonder how you could have afforded it?
SIR DOUGLAS: It was a trade in. I used to have a sword.
TIM: I know what you heroes get paid. There’s no way you could have afforded that.
SIR DOUGLAS: I’ll die before I talk.
TIM: We’ll see. Bob, I think it’s time.
BOB: Are you sure? No man deserves that.
TIM: (Into a cell phone) Yeah. OK. Bring it in.
Two people role in a TV cart.
SIR DOUGLAS: You’re not going to…
BOB: Talk, or else.
SIR DOUGLAS: You wouldn’t make me watch Mortal Kombat.
TIM: No. (Sir Douglas lets out a breath of relief) We’re going to make you watch the sequel. (Sir Douglas screams.)
Moments before Tim can press play, Sir Douglas grabs his light saber and begins swinging. A short fight ensues, at the end of which Tim is dead and Bob is wounded. Sir Douglas runs out the door. Bob, realizing the fight is lost, looks down at Tim’s dead body.
BOB: I’ll avenge you Tim. He will pay his taxes. I swear it.
Scene 3
EXT: Bus Stop
He picks his light saber up and hides it. He then looks around, and makes a half hearted attempt to hide the body behind the bench.
VOICE:
VOICE:
VOICE: No, you imbecille.
VOICE: No, you brain-dead nincompoop, it is I, the ghost of your brother.
VOICE: Well, I haven’t been born yet. And I won’t be born unless you do something about it.
VOICE: What are you looking up for? I’m down here?
VOICE: Yes, in the sewer. Why is everyone so surprised to hear that?
VOICE: There is a great disturbance in the force.
VOICE: Yes, the force. It is what I like to call internet pornography. In a few years, dad will be looking at it on the internet, get horny, and then get it on with mom. As a result, I will be born. However, the force is in danger.
VOICE: You have been running from the IRS. In retaliation, they have been auditing hundreds of people that you leave in your wake. Most of them are hot young girls, that now are forced to go to jail instead of getting the chance to pose nude.
VOICE: No, you must only fight the emperor.
VOICE: Of course! Who the hell else would I mean?
VOICE: Just shut up. You have your mission. Go.
A guy comes up behind
GUY: You alright?
GUY: Okay. (leaves)
Scene 4
INT: Oval Office
Bob enters the office. The president is sitting behind a desk.
BOB: You called for me, Mr. President?
PRES: Yes, Bob. I would like a briefing on the matter of this Sir Douglas.
BOB: Yes, well, he has temporarily escaped our grasp.
PRES: Bob, I do not like bad news.
BOB: Sorry sir. He will be apprehended again shortly.
PRES: (grunts) Well, um (grunts again and shifts in his chair.) Keep me briefed.
BOB: Aye sir.
PRES: Bob, you had... Oh yeah.
MONICA: (pops out from under desk) Wow, you’re right sir, that did cure the hiccups.
PRES: See Monica, I told you it would. Now, why don’t you leave us alone for now. Be sure to tell me if anything else bothers you though.
MONICA: Sure thing sir. (walks away)
PRES: (puts hands under desk and zips fly) Anyway, Bob, Get this guy. He is a liability.
BOB: Of course. I shall redouble my efforts.
PRES: He could ruin everything.
BOB: You mean your internet pornography monopoly?
PRES: Yes. We need the IRS to keep imprisoning young co-eds that pose for my competitors.
Bob chases
Scene 5
INT: House
SIDEKICK: (talking to a dog) Look at yourself! You should be ashamed! All you had to do was defuse a bomb, stop the runaway bus full of children, and protect the Vice-President! Well, you did a half-assed job with that bomb, most of the kids on that bus got car sick, and, well, I don’t think the Vice-president will ever have children again. And you call yourself a hero! No, don’t look at me like that. I know it hurts, but it has to be said. You’re just not cut out for this line of work. This sidekick is just going to have to take his business elsewhere. (Leaves and steps outside)
SIDEKICK: Who are you? Who was that guy?
SIDEKICK: The IRS!
SIDEKICK: May I join you?
SIDEKICK: But I want a piece of those bastards! They audited my sister last year. Besides, my previous employer did not meet my satisfaction (glares at the dog).
SIDEKICK: You need me.
SIDEKICK: Sir Douglas, I sense much fear in you. Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to stupidity. Stupidity leads to mistakes. Mistakes mean that you fucked up. If you want to control your fear, then you need me.
SIDEKICK: Just say yes.
SIDEKICK: It’s sidekick.
SIDEKICK: Yup.
SIDEKICK: My parents were Amish.
Scene 6
EXT: Deserted Street
Douglas and Sidekick stand side by side. Bob approaches from the other side of the street. There is a large black box next to
BOB: I wholeheartedly agree. Why, if it isn’t old Sidekick?
SIDEKICK: Bob, long time no see.
SIDEKICK: Yes, but that was a long time ago.
BOB: I’m sorry it had to come to this. I will have to take you both in now.
Camera pans to a frozen landscape. A sign reads “Hell”
BOB: You think you can stop me?
BOB: Are you sure you weren’t hallucinating?
Bob laughs.
SIDEKICK: This isn’t right.
Bomb explodes, and Sir Douglas goes flying off. Bob walks away, thinking he is victorious.
Scene 7
SIDEKICK: Yes. Unfortunately, he knows that you are still alive.
SIDEKICK: He just audited the doctor that treated you.
SIDEKICK: It didn’t occur to me. He was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil.
SIDEKICK: Yes, I'm afraid so. I taught him everything he knows about the Force. He is familiar with every porn model in the country.
SIDEKICK: Do not underestimate the power of the IRS. Bob is powerful, and he will be victorious.
SIDEKICK: That's about what I'm saying. There is one way you can win, however.
SIDEKICK: You must use the power of...
SIDEKICK: Pikachu.
SIDEKICK: That's right. Pikachu is the only thing that can defeat Bob.
SIDEKICK: No you're not.
SIDEKICK: Yes, that's absolutely right.
Scene 8
INT: House
Sir Douglas walks into bathroom and shuts the door. Camera points at bathroom door for whole scene.
VOICE:
VOICE: I'm in here, you blithering idiot!
VOICE: Lift the toilet cover.
VOICE: Shut up. My choice of vessel is of no concern to you.
Sidekick comes up and knocks on the door.
SIDEKICK:
VOICE: I am very disappointed,
SIDEKICK: Who you talking to in there?
SIDEKICK: Oh, OK, carry on.
Sidekick leaves.
VOICE: Why haven't you brought down the IRS yet, Douglas?
VOICE: They have already escalated from auditing to throwing bricks at people.
VOICE: Then why are you procrastinating?
VOICE: Very well.
A gurgling sound and a small plop.
VOICE: Just pick it up. Then go fight the IRS.
VOICE: Where else? (pause, then in an ominous voice) Cincinatti.
Toilet flushes, and
Scene 9
SIDEKICK: Tell me again why we're in Cincinatti.
SIDEKICK: That's your excuse for everything.
A brief pause as they look around. Then
SIDEKICK: How did you know that they were with the IRS?
SIDEKICK: Now I'm scared.
SIDEKICK: Yes, We will be brave.
AGENT: (pointing a gun) Freeze assholes! IRS!
SIDEKICK: Go
SIDEKICK: There's no time! Get Bob.
Sidekick charges the agent. there is a brief struggle. The Agent is killed, but Sidekick is severely wounded.
SIDEKICK: No, I'm not alright! I'm dying you fool!
SIDEKICK: Perhaps. But you have learned enough.
SIDEKICK: Listen to me, Douglas. There is another.
SIDEKICK: You have a sister.
SIDEKICK: The force. You must learn the power of the force.
Sidekick dies.
BOB: Now you know how it feels to lose a friend.
BOB: It's a cheap film. It couldn't be that long.
Bob laughs maniacally and takes a double sided light saber out and extends both sides.
The Pikachu lands at Bob’s feet. With a laugh, Bob uses one end of his light saber to flick the toy off into the distance.
BOB: No one can defeat me!
Bob charges
(during fight)
BOB: Forget it
BOB: You didn’t actually expect me to fall for that, did you?
At this point they have moved their fight near a open door. A bunny hops insides.
(end fighting)
BOB: What is this? Are you too afraid to fight me, so you send this bunny to – oh my god, it’s going for my neck! (screams)
VOICE: You have done well
VOICE: Never underestimate the power of horniness. Now, I must go, for…
VOICE: What? I’m a busy ghost!
VOICE: And you expect me to reveal her identity?
VOICE: I do, but I just don’t want to tell you. We have to save some things for the sequel.
(rollup)
And so Sir Douglas the Mighty saved the world (again). The IRS soon lost its iron grip over the populace, and the President lost his Internet pornography monopoly. Peace settled over the land, for now, at least.
But some mysteries still remain. Who is Sir Douglas’s sister? How did Sidekick know the things he did? Who really shot JFK? All of these questions will be answered, once the biggest question of all is answered…
(end roll up)
(blank screen)
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